"So often these days, eating Indian food passes for spirituality."
Dan Bern [via Miller]

[post deleted. sorry.]

Nerd Alert

Man, I'm lame. I've already hit the highlight of my day.

I wrote and used my first cookie on a web site.

{sniff} I'm getting a little emotional ... I feel like I've stepped into a new, wider world of nerd-dom.

I really don't have anything to say.

If you're looking for links about it, I suggest:

A tribute [601am]

More ... [me@Beliefnet]

"The best way to waste your life is by taking notes. The easiest way to avoid living is to just watch. Look for the details. Report. Don't participate. Let Big Brother do the singing and dancing for you. Be a reporter. Be a good witness. A grateful member of the audience."
Lullaby, by Chuck Palahniuk

Um, does that mean we should stop blogging?

Oh Sweet Irony

You know how they always say, "Everything happens for a reason"? Try this one on for size.

For what imaginable reason could karma storm a stammering security guard into our concert luxury box, asking to see our tickets, while I'm puffing on a joint?

Could it be to see me punished for breaking the rules of the arena and breaking the law?

In snarky fact, no.

Could it be so I learn my lesson about the risks of smoking pot in public and cut it out?

Actually, no.

Could it be so that two weeks later, on a Sunday afternoon, when the girl is bored, out of weed and jonesing to get a little stoned, she can smile when she reaches into the back pocket of the concert jeans and pulls out a stubbed out joint end that she now remembers she quickly pinched away when the rent-a-cop walked up?

I think so.

If You Can Make It Here

Uh oh ...

The day I knew would sometime come, but a part of me always hoped it wouldn't: I'm wondering if it's time to leave New York City.

I do love it so much. That's no lie. Something about being here: everything feels important. Just walking down the street -- here -- makes me feel part of something bigger than me: New York, the world. I've always been a small-fish-in-a-big-pond sorta girl, and New York suits that sentiment better than any other place I can think of. Plus, there's the amazing people I've come to know and love, and the sense of accomplishment I have for getting on here as long as I have.

Today, though, my NYC friend that I have known the longest announced that next summer she wants to move away from the Big Apple to a more temperate life closer to the equator.

How serious she is, it's too early to tell. But she's thinking, and she's got me thinking.

My money is so thin. I'm disappointed that I'm not able to live in this city the way I wish I could. It's all a giant 5th Avenue store window, inches away from something I know I can't have. And, the financial forecast doesn't show any signs of breaking sunshine over the next six to 12 months.

And let's not forget the terrorism, including anthrax; a giant blackout; kicking smokers out of bars; decreasing spending on trash pickup so the entire city smells like garbage more than ever; increase in MTA fares ... losing my job twice, being out of work a total of 9 months; getting ivloved with a few jerky men; having to move out of my own place and back to having a roommate ... aquiring, not one, but two cats, two cats! ... Not good signs, friends. Not good at all.

Should I stay here, stick it out, hope for the best? When this company says, "It'll make us a lot of money," believe it again? Maybe by the time I'm 27, I'll have my own place again?

I'm not sure those are reasons to stay.

And then come some exciting ideas.

Where would I go? A cool climate I would love, like Toronto, Portland or Seattle? Northern California, where I would have a friend? Hawaii? The mountains, or even Montana? Phoenix, Austin, San Diego, Vancouver?

Overseas would be amazing, but since I don't know another language, options are limited. In my time in Italy, I learned enough to get around, but eventually I'd want to get to know people, and not being able to communicate would make that difficult. ("Lessons?" With what money? And around and around ...) London would be fantastic, but if my reasons for moving are largely financial, I'm not sure London would be any better than New York, except for the accents.

I don't want to go back to the Midwest. I do know that much.

How much money would I need to save to make it happen? Can I save anything? Do I want to move somewhere where I don't know anyone, or know someone? How much money will I be making? How much should my new rent be? Do I need a job before I move, or can I be brave and just throw caution to the wind and just go? I'm not too worried about meeting new friends because that'll just happen. It always does.

Thoughts are brewing, swirling, tickling, giggling ...

"When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced. Live your life in such a way so that when you die, the world cries and you rejoice."
Hindu proverb

I can't afford drinks. I'm not a big drinker in the first place, but to be able to have a few glasses of wine or margaritas is certainly a pleasure. And one my wallet can no longer handle.

I can't afford cigarettes. I quit almost a year ago and did very well, but I've slipped in recent months (i.e. dated a smoker, drinking at outdoor bars (back in the day when I had some cash, that is), being weak for that dirty, ashy, tarry smokey goodness). But, the wallet can't make room for ciggies either.

I can't afford drugs. Illegal substance delivery is a beautiful thing to behold, truly, but it is not cheap, and if I can't afford a beer, I can't afford a jewel box of leafy green buds either.

'Tis all a pity, because without these, how will I cope with my you'd-never-believe-a-person-can-live-on-this salary?

Food isn't appealing and would probably be an unhealthy crutch. Sex would be nice, but as I discussed yesterday, I got rid of that source. Art is a good idea, but I'm not inspired to start anything new.

Have no fear. I think I have found an answer.

Exercise.

It's free: All a jog around the neighborhood costs me is dignity for hacking, wheezing and keeling over on the sidewalk every few blocks. I own some yoga tapes and a jump rope. That should keep me busy, shouldn't it?

It's good for my physical health: I think the coughing up some lung-exorcised phlegm was a good thing. Adios, ashen lungs!

It's good for my mental health: It's pretty easy to get into a slump when your checking account is as life sustaining as cigarettes. And you've been reassured that a raise is nowhere in the near future. And my friends and family won't get holiday presents again this year. And I can't buy any new clothes for the fall ... See how easy it is? They say exercise can help keep spirits up. I'm hoping for some of that.

And, on top of all that, it would be cool if my belly flattened out in the process. (What good is a navel piercing if you can't show if off, I ask you. None. None at all, I say.)

Win, win, win, win.

FYI: I went jogging this morning. Just today. Chances are slim that I will keep this up, as I've not been able to before. Wish me luck!

Oh, and I will be rewarding myself for staying quit of smoking and keeping up the exercise with DVDs (on the credit card) and a new piercing (also on a credit card).

Breaking Up is Hard to Do

Especially when you have to do it more than once, after last week having been convinced that my concern was not a reason separate and told to stop "freaking out."

I don't like being told not to "freak out," especially when I'm not freaking out in the first place. (Apparently, on his planet, sending a dozen roses to a girl's office means nothing more than a wave hello. Is that what it means on your planet? Do I live in deep space?)

"Well, if we both see that we're on the same page, and that neither of us want anything serious, I don't see why we can't keep seeing each other."

At the time, I didn't either, and couldn't quickly come up with the words to say, "But... but... I don't wanna."

This week, however, I have the determination (I was going to say "resolve," but our President uses that word far too much for me to want to touch it) to be bolder and firmer about where I stand. I, in fact, do see why we can't see each other anymore. If it's not going anywhere, it must end sometime, and that time is now. (Am I campaigning?)

May the force be with me.